homesick already

It's August. oh my god. This time in 18 days I will be half way through my long haul flight to Atlanta, due to touch down in 4 hours where I will then be waiting around for a couple of hours for my transfer flight to Memphis. All the while, no doubt, in tears at the idea (which would by then have become a reality) of leaving everyone I know behind and heading into the unknown all by myself (cue music).

But actual, scary adventures aside, the reality of leaving has struck. In fact, after saying my goodbyes to the final few yesterday, I had an incredibly teary few hours which were then followed by a heartfelt singalong to every Ed Sheeran song ever written. (That reminds me, I need to sort my playlist out for the flight.)

Don't get me wrong, I feel completely lucky and so grateful that I will be getting to experience something that I have always wanted to do, in a country that mesmerises me and in a place I know so little about that I have wikipedia-ed it numerous times. Maybe I'm not even that lucky because it wasn't exactly like my place at Ole Miss was awarded to me and I will just pack up my stuff and arrive there. I have had to work incredibly hard, constantly putting my determination to the test and overcoming my fears of being alone in unknown places. But all this just proves to myself how much I want this experience, and if it was a half-hearted idea I would have given up months ago.

I want to go. But I don't want to leave my life here. It's going to be difficult seeing everyone's photos of freshers and them continuing to love life at uni as though I was never a part of it. I will also miss out on the excitement of moving into our new places and visiting other people's houses and house parties and sleepovers and doing whatever we want when we want and with who we want. And while my time in Mississippi is temporary, this also means that I won't actually be able to settle into my life there either because I know it will be over soon.

It's all very unnerving to me right now and on top of all this I can just see myself having a panic attack on the plane in front of hundreds of people I don't know where I can't get off and go elsewhere to calm down.

I can't believe I'm actually going through with this, I just wish I could take all the people I need in my life with me. But I suppose if you always have everything you want/need, you never learn anything and you never grow.

I'll end this rambly post here, I'll post again when I actually start preparing myself for take off!

Em x